Devil’s Den Behind the Scenes

I wrote this a few months ago, the day before this photo was taken at Devil’s Den. I haven’t weighed myself since, but the feelings behind this and the raw emotion still hold true for me today. I’ve made a lot of progress healing my relationship with food and my body image. I’m proud of that. At the same time, I’m realizing there isn’t really a finish line. Maybe there is for some people, but I don’t think I’m ever going to reach a point where I’m enamored with how I look in the mirror every single day. And I’m ok with that. Right now, my goal is acceptance. Not love, not hate, just acceptance.

CW: weight gain, body dysmorphia

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I saw my weight yesterday, for the first time in a few months. And it made me really sad. Because I’m still holding onto a number. And this was far from that number.

Granted, I had on steel-toed boots and a full uniform.

But still.

It was hard to see.

Because I’m still breaking the habit of hoping my natural, fed and nourished body will fit into a certain standard I’ve created.

There’s a secret part of me that still clings to being a certain size, weight and physique. Some of which is impossible based purely on my bone structure.

It broke me a little bit yesterday. To know the number had gone up.

I cried. I sobbed.

But I handled it differently than I would have in the past. I didn’t restrict. I didn’t start a crazy workout regimen. I didn’t google ways to lose weight.

And today, I’m reminiscing about what each of those pounds could be. Taking care of myself when I’m sick. Eating foods that sound good. Meals with friends. Drinks with my hubby.

Memories and self-care.

Not to mention the months of work I’ve been putting into my mental health.

My body will not look like it did when I starved myself, obsessively worked out, and hated who I was.

I am growing and healing. Physically, mentally and emotionally.

XOXO,

Natasha