A Recurring Thought

I wrote this a few months ago when I was still getting the hang of intuitive eating. I wanted to share in case anyone can relate. Maybe this can help sum up the conflicting messages and thoughts you’re having.

I miss having abs

I miss being proud of my body. I’ve blocked out all the disappointment and hatred because, as my body changes, I’m realizing I’m growing into what I always thought I saw in the mirror. I miss being lean and I don’t like the way that my tummy brushes my thigh when I don’t sit straight up. 

I miss seeing my muscles, even if they were never as pronounced as I wanted. 

I was never willing to go that far, to push that much. 

And my goal this whole time has been to heal my relationship with food. To let my body be what it naturally is, without restriction, without carefully counted macros, without hours of exercise. 

But my goal of abs and a certain body type is still ingrained in my mind. In the way I see myself in the mirror. In the shower. The way my clothes fit or don’t fit. 

I know I’m not doing the best job taking care of my body right now. I do need to eat more veggies and get more movement in. I’m bloated almost all the time. 

And that will come. 

I want to wait until it comes from a place of love. I want to break free of the hate for myself. 

And it’s coming. As I look at my progress and my thought process over the last few months, I do see the change. 

I couldn’t have done this a year ago. A year ago I was plotting my next move for losing weight. Losing fat. Gaining muscle. Looking a certain way and hating myself into getting there. Wishing my face was a little more angular. Wishing my arms were leaner and more toned. 

This year I’m letting go of that. Accepting who I am and how I look. Loving my newfound confidence, like a baby deer learning to walk. 

I want to nurture that love and confidence in this coming year, so that I find new ways to keep loving myself. So that I have the strength to root out the long-running habits of the need for control and self-loathing to motivate me for anything. 

I have an overarching hope for my future self. 

But tonight I miss having abs. 

XOXO,

Natasha